So…I have been an insincere muslim for a long time. I mean I do the things I’m supposed to…I pray, I dress appropriately, I do the mandatory recitation and I observe the special nights. I’ve realized though that I was never sincere in my efforts.
I tried…I really tried but I didn’t feel anything.
And I am a feeling sort of person.
I realized that my mistake was in trying to duplicate the rituals and efforts that I saw people around me perform. Things that I was taught in madressa. I can’t even say things I took away from a Jummah bayyaan because back then, I didn’t even hear the bayaan.
I realized that I was not getting it. I would see grown men in tears at the mere mention of our beloved Nabi SAW and wondered what that was about. I would hear ladies exclaim “Alhamdulillah” at taleem and think “okayyyy”. I just didn’t get it.
Much, much later on in life I realized that I needed to find my own unique way to Him. I needed to find the things that would connect me to him. If I could not connect, I could not be sincere. If Allah SWT expected the same efforts from all of us he would have created us the same way…right? If he created us unique, surely he expected us to find unique ways to reach him?
So I searched and I explored. I explored the Quraan in English. I watched YouTube videos. I signed up for some classes. I found myself gravitating toward people who, strangely enough, were having similar thoughts. I tried to find a way…find my way to Him. I would speak to Him in my head. I would speak to Him when I was having a bad day. I would speak to Him when I was having a good day. When I lost my temper. In the shower. Having a cuppa. When I needed something. When I was happy. I caught myself and wondered if this was normal. Did everyone do this? Was I going a little bit more crazy?
And I realized that it did not matter. It actually didn’t. I figured if I was doing the things He commanded me to and I sincerely prayed for guidance and this was where I got, then surely this was where He was trying to lead me
I will continue to do this until He is not an afterthought…but an every-thought.